Reflections on a Banana Tree

When I was eleven, I planted a banana tree. I got the seed from my teacher (we had done a unit on plant life and everyone had built a terrarium and as it turns out, at the time, I had a gift for growing plants) and the seed quickly flourished into a tall, vibrant plant.

It grew strong and lush, always with bright green leaves. I proudly worked with it as it graduated from a small pot to a medium pot to a large pot. Happy were the sunshine days of summer when we could set the plant outside on the deck, to bask in the warm rays.

Sadly, my banana tree was never able to conceive fruit. Being raised indoors in Canada, it never felt the joy of being heavy with yellow fruit, the true cycle of the seasons... But I like to think it was happy in its life. I watered it diligently, I protected it from our pet dogs and cats, I kept its leaves free of dust and I cared for it when other house plants were stricken with aphids.

Tragically, one day my banana tree met an unfortunate accident when it was on the receiving end of a two-year-old's temper tantrum. Its tall vibrancy was shattered. Its soil spilled across the carpet like a grisly murder scene.

But it wasn't over! My banana tree wasn't completely unrooted- there was still hope! I carefully packed it back into its pot, whispering encouragement. I ensured it was in the best spot to catch sun but not too much sun, I watered it carefully, but my banana tree was never the same. Soon it simply gave up and withered away.

Perhaps its brush with death had made it long for the tropic temperatures of its homeland. Perhaps the realization that it would never feel those temperatures caused depression. Perhaps, feeling depressed, homesick and a shell of what it had once been, my banana tree simply gave up on life. My mother discovered its body- the once-green leaves now brown, dry and desiccated. No amount of water or fancy pot soil could save it this time. I like to think it's in a better place, now. A place where the sun is hot and the humidity is high. Or maybe it's been reincarnated as some other plant with better luck. Wherever it is, I hope it's happy (or at least fulfilling its plant duties of photosynthesis and whatnot).

...This is why I think gardening is fun.

In a side note, the two-year-old has flourished and successfully reached the age of 12. Apparently Humans: 1 and Plants: 0

Goodbye to Another Comedy Legend...

As everybody knows, on November 28th Leslie Nielsen passed away. Like most people my age, I grew up with Airplane! and the Naked Gun movies. I also grew up with the episode of SNL Mr. Nielsen hosted (repeat viewings were possible as my parents had taped it, being unable, even in those days, to stay up late enough to watch the show.) Needless to say, Mr. Nielsen and his comedic work made a huge impact on me (and proved that there are some forms of comedy best performed by dramatic actors). In honour of one of Canada's most awesome exports, here's my top 10 Leslie Nielsen lines:

(Truthfully, because it's late and I'm tired, the order isn't important except for number 1. Because it truly is one of the few lines that makes me laugh uncontrollably every single time I hear it. It also makes me giggle if I happen to think of it randomly. Leslie Nielsen, you will be sorely missed.)

10. Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel things out.

9. The life of everyone on board depends upon just one thing: finding someone back there who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner.

8. I say unfunny things in an unfunny way. Somehow, it ends up funny.

7. I've been swimming in raw sewage. I love it. ...I LOVE IT!

6. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.

5. ...Diarrhea...

4. I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all counting on you.

3. Oh, and one more thing... I faked every orgasm!

2. Uh, so many are cold, shivering in the night, so I say, butcher those cats, skin them! Use their fur to keep hundreds warm!

1. I haven't had this much sex since I was a boy scout leader! ....Um, at the time, I was dating... a lot...